If a tree falls into my house and I don't have a shopper's reward card and don't wish to start one today, can venomous snakes die by biting themselves?
Don't put all your eggs in one basket; buy 40 tiny egg-sized baskets and put each egg in one and if you have any left over put them inside each other.
You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find someone you want to share your HBO Go password with.
To build a bridge you have to burn all of them first.
Practice makes waste.
Don't cry over spilled milk, because I'm about to give you something to cry about you little bitch.
Even if you win the rat race, you're still a racist.
If you want to save money, keep a tight fist and an even tighter pair of pants.
To love is to lose and to lose 20lbs subscribe today.
The air was so thick, you could cut it off mid-sentence.
Don't fuck a gift horse in the ass.
"Gandhi was alright." -Jesus
Employees must wash your hands before they return to work.
Where was that stooped and mealy-colored old man I used to call Poppa when the merry-go-round broke down?
If you ever feel stuck, consider letting the glue on your shoes dry before walking next time.
Pride is to lion as far as I can tell.
It takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile, but it takes zero muscles to stare blankly until you go away.
What you hear through the grapevine may just be Uncle Dave. Please bring him back to us.
Life is like a box of chocolates: you never know when you're gonna have a kid and drop out of school.
Crazy isn't as crazy wasn't.
Everyone wants to be a mime, but no one wants to do the time.
Being a sheep is twice as hard when your sponsorship deal requires you to wear running shoes on your hooves.
A good girl doesn't show and tell.
Sometimes the only way to skin a cat is to throw up in a shopping mall.
If you've been the victim of a hit-and-run, you're doing it in the wrong order.
It takes one to no one.
Good minds work well under pressure, but great minds work *with* it.
Food for your thoughts.
If life gives you lemons, stop to smell them.
Three cheers for a method to my madness.
There's no such thing as a free sample.
Living well is a dish best served cold.
Gratefulness precedes great fullness.
Peter piper pricked a pack of prophylactics.
Birds on a wire, you're good to set fire.
Never ask a woman her age when you can easily tell by her rings.
The quickest way to a man's heart is straight through his motherfucking skull.
Don't waste money you can't afford to shop while hungry.
Food is the love of music.
Fägenheit Fägenheit Fägenheit.
I'll have what the kitchen sink is having.
It's a God eat dog world.
When it rains it pours, except most of the time when it lightly drizzles.
The road to hell is paved with fairly good chicken carbonara.
Hallowed be thy name, cornhole be thy game.
The writing is off the wall.
With all due respect, **** you, you ****-*** ********ing ugly-** ******* ***** **nt.
"Shit, I'd hit that." -Jesus
#Alzheimers
We don't put our lives on the line for ideals; we do it for the pizza parties.
To our wives and our daughters. May they never meet.
I'm not necessarily hungry, but what I am hungry for is a taste of the munchies.
The only good Indian is a dead Norwegian.
Nobody asked to be born. In fact, everybody asked for you not to be.
Float like a butterfly stings when I pee.
Sometimes quitting just isn't enough.
There are plenty of fish in the sea, but there are only like 7 of those.
If someone stabs you in the back, it's time to get a bigger back.
Nepotism is the mother of invention.
Crepusculum altum diae est.
I thought there was something weird about those lizards, but when I looked closer, I hadn't seen them at all.
This town ain't big enough for the both of me.
If all your friends jumped off a cliff, would you catch them?
Dress to kill—chain mail and latex gloves.
Most waters run deep.
My assphorisms have been in your mouth.
You can't spell "team" without breaking a few eggs.
If Picasso were my grandpa I would need a nose job.
Sharing is the first step to an epidemic.
Give a man a fish.
It's better to never to something correctly than always do it incorrectly.
If the hair of the dog that bit you isn't available, there's always your own hair.
Don't accept anything less than a king-size Milky Way from a stranger.
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? No, thank you.
Hate the sin, love the salmon.
There is an inextricable link between that which we do not know and the process of sitting in a chair.
Snitches get starches.
A fork in the hand is worth two in the foot.
Don't go picking briars in a shit patch.
Seinfeld never happened. Check your records.
Otherized personnel only.
Don't drop the ball when your balls drop.
Speak louder than words.
Apples to apples, dust to dust.
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could only chuck wood that other woodchucks wouldn't chuck?
Friendship is but a progression of chords in E major.
Supercalifragilisticexpiali-fucking-docious.
An elephant never forgets how to ride a bike